Not Knowing

I received an email yesterday reminding me that my Wix account will renew in August. $220. I'm not employed, haven't written a blog (in here) in two years, but I read the last one and think I'll step up again.

It was a brave post that last one. And now I need even more bravery as tomorrow begins a sixth month straight of being unemployed not by my own design.

Looking for work at 65 brings up my basic optimism, just a little resentment, and a debilitating insecurity. Each time I receive a kind rejection from an organization with whom I've interviewed, like this...

Dear Linda:

Thank you for your interest in the Legal Access Fellowship with the Texas Immigration Law Council.   

We carefully reviewed your application and appreciated the opportunity to speak with you and learn more about your background and experience. After a thorough selection process, we have decided to move forward with other candidates. 

We appreciate that you considered TxILC as an option for employment. We wish you the best of luck in your job search. 

Best,

Andrea

she/her/ella

...I am relieved or my stomach sinks. This time it was a little of both. The fact of not appealing to those who have interviewed me, when I generally think the interview went well, is confusing. Since no one will tell me if it is my age or something else, I have to guess. But honestly if its not my age, I'm not sure. If I am asked for an interview , I've passed the first steps and they've deemed me qualified, so I'm guessing I may not seem like a person they would want to work with. In this case, I wasn't excited about working with the folks who interviewed me either.

I've never had such a hard time finding work. -- I just paused and sent an email to one of my mentors at Workforce Solutions to see if she recorded a mock interview we did some time ago, and if not, could we do another one with recording.

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My garden with the property we purchased next door.

My sister is in Kathmandu. Heading to the holy Mt. Kailesh over the next few days, where they will stop near the top at an altitude of 20,000'.

Since she arrived in India three weeks ago we have been talking at weird hours to make decisions about our dad's condo and the property we are attempting to develop with very little money. The process requires a lot of patience and flexibility insuring that I will continue to grow.

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I have, after a 6-month break, returned to the land of dating, and met someone. It feels completely different than I imagined it might, and also requires a lot of patience and flexibility.

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Reality keeps bumping up against my inner world, and I keep trying to adapt.

I do keep learning, but the perspective from older age is completely different than that of my younger self who, even arriving in San Antonio at 58, felt there was much life ahead. Of course, I may live another 20 years or more, but I weigh things more carefully now.

Despite my fear of not fitting into the world as it is, of financial insecurity. of loss, there is something precious about having my time free and open. I notice how I try to organize that precious time, and how, on most days, it moves faster than I can keep up.

Yesterday was a lovely day of grace where I did many things and remained confident, upbeat, and energized. Time cooperated. I felt how I imagine normal people feel, those who get enough sleep and don't second guess everything they say, think and do. So exhilarating! It is important to me to find my way into that space as much as possible as soon as possible. It takes discipline to work on my mind and I must find my own way there - though I get as much help as I can.